4am

It's 4am. My daughter wakes me and I love the sound of her fussing. Her way of letting me know that she is still breathing. It scares me when she sleeps longer than her customary 5 hours. When she does then, I go in and wake her up to nurse. She will be back up in about 3 hours, that is if my sister and nephew keep quite. Hopefully they will all sleep for awhile so I can get some work done. I find that my most productive time is either early morning, ie, 4am or very late night. When people are awake and moving around even though they may not be directly interacting with me I am still very distracted by their presents. I am working to overcome my easy distractability but I don't see an end in site. So until I find a greater ability to focus, I will continue on in the early morning, late night fashion of attempting to get something accomplished.

29

Here I am 29 years old! I have a system of questions that I attempt to answer honestly with the appearance of this day. What are the accomplishments? What needs to be improved? I have always thought of your birthday as the time to reassess your life. Many people use New Year's as a time to evaluate the progress that you have made in the past year and to set new goals for the year ahead. I understand the ideology behind this, but unless you were born on New Year's it's not really the beginning of your time.

From the day that we are conceived we grow and become a 'human being', until we are born. From the day we are born we begin the journey to towards our inevitable death. Morbidity just set in for a brief moment.

Years ago I set My Life Goals. I know I have them written down somewhere but for now the ones I can remember are:
Buy a Home
Get a BA Degree
Get in Shape
Write a Book

So what have I accomplished. One year ago to this day I was seeded. Today I have a radiantly beautiful little girl. (Having a child was never really a goal but it's not something I would change. I have purchased a Mobile Mansion with money that I still have not yet paid back to the ex. So, I have bought the home, I just don't own it. I have fulfilled all of the requirements for my BA. Providing that I pay the rest of the bill, I should receive the piece of paper that say's I have the credenticials to do what I do. I weigh 200lbs (a pain in the ass set back). In the begining of my becoming an adult I weighed in at about 250lbs, I lost the weight and was able to maintain a steady 14o to 160 average. Then I got pregnant, and took free license to eat what ever I wanted when ever I wanted as much as I wanted. Not the best plan. I have plenty of book idea's but I am not closer to writing a book today than I was when I set the goal.
Looking at the goals that I can remember from last year, I have a 50/50 success rate. Not bad but I know I can do better.

To be accomplished in the up coming year? Well, lose about 80lbs is a good start! In order to do this, I must use the treadmil regularly and eat appropriately. Currently I am not doing either one. I want to be A Great Mother. I want to write a book! Wanting and doing are I have discovered very different verbs altogher. I want to pay off the Mansion and own my home. I would also like to locate a piece of land to put the Mansion on and get the hell out of The Trailer Park. I smoke cigarretts and have since I was fourteen years old. A horrible habit to have and yet one that I truely enjoy. I need to quit, (notice how I didn't say I want to quit, well because I friggen don't want to) but with all The Cancer Propaganda and the birth of my daughter, I know it is a must if I want to see her grow up. I want to begin persueing my Masters degree in something, perhaps the goal should be to figure out what that something is. "Child Pyschology" perhaps.

There are so very many things that I would like to accomplish! Prioritizing is probably a good place to start. For now though I must get back to the maintain of the status que rather than making any great strides toward accomplishing any new adventures and the babes are awaking.

Inside The Mansion

Intended to provide a visual of where we are broadcasting from:

The Mansion on Windy Hill is a beautiful 14 by 70 rectangular culvert. Not much of a Mansion in comparison to those you see on MTV Cribs. Not much of a Mansion period. Unlike a lot of other mobile homes (apparently The Politically Correct Way to say trailer these days) that I have been it has a spacious floor plan. Three bedrooms a separate space for the washer and dryer, it is wonderful to not have to go to The Laundry Mat. There is a nice sliding glass door that faces the road and unfortunately some of the other Mobile Mansions in the area, as Windy Hill is comprised of many. The oven is built into the wall and the range is in an island in the kitchen. There are many cupboards and surprisingly enough I have not filled them all. It is no small secret that I have A Lot of Stuff. Although much of the Mansion is full. (B1)Bedroom number one as you exit the living room and journey down the hall is designed for my "children" in quotes because they are my sisters and the children of my sisters. I am The Oldest of Five, we were all blessed with The Baggage of Being Female. This room has bunk beds, games, toys, dress up clothes, a plethora of equipment to entertain their individual ages which range from 2 to 13. B2 is for my daughter who will have been born 12 Sundays ago on my birthday. I turn 29 in three days. She has a multitude of apparatus that all promise to play a positively beneficial role in her development. Including The Milking Station equipt with a stool as well as a pump. If you continue the journy you come to the washer and dryer and around the bend to the left you will find the water closet, this room is currently under construction. The Crapper was installed 2 days ago (we have lived here for 2 months) The decor is ducks. Yup rubber ducks. I have not counted yet but I am pretty sure that in the end and with out adding any additional ducks there are More than 100 Ducks that will occupy this space. Exit the bathroom and go left again and you come to B3 The Office. Occupied by myself and My Daughters Father. Not my husband and not my boyfriend but simply my daughters father. Much like that of sharing a room with a sibling lines have been drawn and the boundries laid out. In the end it is a roof and four walls and I own it. Well that's bullshit I don't really own it I borrowed the money to buy the damn thing from my exboyfriend. Who has remained one of My Top Three closest friends. Also he is inarguable The Best Lover I have ever had. The whole Mansion is in various stages of repair. The living room needs carpet, paint, and trim. The kitchen needs tile, and some trim. The dinning room is also in need of trim and the flooring is laid but is only secured around the edges with ducttape. B1, B2, and B3 need trim and carpet patching. The hall and the laundry room are in need of flooring. Bathroom needs a lot, and I forgot to mention we have a mudroom type addition that came with the Mansion the repairs in that room are needed top to bottom the roof leaks the floors are rotten and the walls are falling down. The Mansion has come a long way and I have a small level of confidence that it will continue to improve as time goes on. It is our haven of saftey in The Trailer Park.

The Mansion on Windy Hill

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